I once relied on myself as the source of my life, my love, and my existence. I loved myself for my ability to provide and hustle for my own benefit. I worshiped my abilities and had a lot of pride. You see, I was abandoned by my parents at a very young age. I had no measure for what was right or wrong and had to decide on my own which rules to keep and which to discard or bend.
This pride, however, did not extend to worth and value for my life, or the lives of others. I used and took everything that I saw fit. There were no boundaries to my wicked game. And I loved it! I craved the feeling of being in control, strong and important. It was much easier than facing the scary and shameful fact that I was unloved, worthless, hopeless, and unwanted.
I never had love or true friendships. My shallow relationships held the same outcome: use and be used. There was no one to ask me how my day was. No one was there to listen. No one came over with chicken soup when I was sick. And no one would show up at my funeral if I were to die. For one who though had it all this was a pretty scary reality. No amount of achievements, diplomas, medals, trophies, money, clothes or jewelry could fill the void in my heart. Alone. Always alone. I lied to myself that I loved to be independent. I was a free spirit. I had no attachments. No rules. No obligations. But I longed to have a home and to belong. I longed to be loved.
One day I met a Christian boy who fell madly in love with me. In fear, I gave him countless reasons not to love me, but none of them changed his mind. He mended my broken heart. I loved him back. We were married, and our beautiful baby girl was born. I wanted to be a good wife and a good mother. I tried so hard to live in this new role. But my past tormented me telling me I was living a lie.
At an Alpha Course I gave my life to Christ
I started attending church, and at a beginner’s course, called Alpha, I gave my life to Christ. After praying the prayer of Salvation, I felt like grace and forgiveness filled my body. A heavy burden was taken away. I felt so light I thought if I stood up, I would float. HE is my source now. He is my Love. I am His child.
I pray daily for God to change me. I am still in the process because faith is a journey, not a destination. I know my God will never leave me, never forsake me and never give up on me. No matter my past, or my future He loves me unconditionally. And His mercy for me renews every morning. I am new creation now. Healed, redeemed, justified, just as if I had never lived outside His Source.