The morning was wonderful. I appreciate this gift of peace and quiet. Kids are growing, although I miss the baby stage as well. What I don’t miss is screaming and fighting and whining: “Mommy!!!” At 5am…” I am hungry! I am bored! Where are you, mama? I miss you! Wake up, wake up, wake up! It’s mooooooorning!!!” Yes, my twins sang this song to me for the last few years in unison and extremely loud voices. I remember jumping out of bed even before my brain and my body was fully awake.
Times have changed. Now it’s very common that I am waking up at the alarm ring and hitting snooze button lavishing in bed few more minutes. Enjoying my surroundings, thinking about the day, praying… followed by our morning routine and going off to school.
I made myself a beautiful breakfast, a nice and healthy dish. After a while, I realize I am still eating, and I don’t know what I am chewing on anymore. I am an emotional eater and I don’t have a healthy relationship with food. For last 20 years it was my default mode. This year I am working on identifying my triggers and finding constrictive ways to deal with my problems.
After being a part of coaching/accountability group for almost a year, I’ve learned that I eat mindlessly when I have a problem… It never gave me solution, it’s a temporary satisfaction: ”I am taking action” but in reality it’s like “putting band aid on a gunshot wound.”
I know now “WHY” I am doing this as well. It’s my childhood trauma, when I was starving and abandoned and felt like “nobody cares”. So now I “love myself” with food. I “care for myself” with food. The problem is that when my mind is busy, I don’t really care about the quantity or quality of my food.
Usually, I stop when I feel sick and I have this “awakening” moment like from a trance and surprise. ”What just happened?” Then I go again and again because this behaviour is never being resolved, explained or understood.
This time, I “caught” myself eating… Imaging having a friend who sees your destructive behaviour and confronting you. At that moment it’s very important to be an “observer” rather than “judge, jury and executioner”. Because there is grace in it, and grace is usually met with acceptance rather than resistance. I have to dig deep and ask myself what I wanted to solve.
Last night I had an argument with my husband that was unresolved. While consuming my awesome breakfast my mind was busy looking for explanation, then a thought came in: “I am still hungry…” Then another: “No you are not!” I felt my full stomach. I didn’t even realize that my food was gone.
Instead of continuing to eat, like I usually do, I decided to have a break. I couldn’t work or write or read, my mind was still busy. I chose to paint. It was my 40th birthday present: an easel, brushes, and oil paint. I already made a few beautiful paintings. I am not a pro, but I really enjoy this activity. I erased the previous sketch and made a new one. I painted a pink lotus in the beautiful blue water. My mind was clear and calm, and I felt huge sense of accomplishment.
Afterwards at my coaching call, I had this insight: Everything can be redirected if I am consciously seeing a problem, looking for better solution, and being an “observer.” Win: Having grace when I do “default mode.” It took me 20 years to instill this behaviour, and it will take time to replace it. Have a “Lose the battle, win the war” attitude. One thing, one time won’t make a difference. Struggle: “I still give in and “feel” pleasure from my bad habits because they look like temporary solutions… But I know I am not what I do. So, I give myself grace.”
My quarrel with my husband was: I knocked on his home office door it was locked (it’s never locked) and he refused to open it. It made me so mad and I had crazy thoughts about why he did this. I had tons of things that I’ve assumed…” Did you ever think that it was possibly because I was wrapping your Christmas present?” He asked, and I responded: “Nope, everything but that…” It’s beautiful analogy for life’s struggle. My mother in law has this sign beside her door “Don’t believe everything you think” ,and you know what happens when we assume. I know I won’t be perfect and life always will have some kind of struggles which will equals in insight & win.
Stay healthy, stay safe.
Love&BLoved.
Lena Cebula 